It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything. Seems that I’ve been busy just settling into San Francisco. A part of me feels like part of my life resemble a ball in a PinBall machine and after a few acrobatics and bouncing around they drop into a hole and a light is lit and some music plays.

It certainly happened with me finding an apartment and a job. After leaving NYC I stayed in 5 places till I found my apartment and I’ve been living here now for more than a year. It’s a wonderful place to come to.The best apartment I have lived in 10 years.

The current job that I have although it’s been on 3.5 weeks already seems like one I could and will be enjoying for days to come. It’s my 1st fulfilling fulltime employment in years.

So be it. More to come soon.

On the 14th Anniversary of my arriving to The United States of America.

Yesterday I sent out two mass emails. One was the link to the latest video/political satire by Paris Hilton. Here it is:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d

I sent it to 6 friends and had two of them emailed me back instantly with their comments.

Why isn’t Iceland or Denmark worried if Iran’s going to bomb them, why are we perpetually in the state of fear in the US. Or are we purposefully kept that way?

This uber-masculine, Mars-is-God culture, feminine wisdom is cast aside, Venus is not allowed to enter the decision room 😦

1. Iran is in the way of a pipeline, maybe the same one that is coming from Afghanistan, and US desperately needs an excuse…hmmm lets try weapons of mass-confusion again

2. Oil Prices will go down as soon as drilling begins in the local shores. I think that’s why they are kept up, same fear tactic…yawn?

3. The technology to run cars on alternative fuel has been available for years but the country and the corporations can’t do anything about it cause the entire manufacturing industry which is mostly reliant of automotive production would implode?

4. David Remnick, the editor of The New Yorker is an asshole in person?

Wanna bet? I’ll wager my kids if I had any.

Can’t believe it but I did 4 originals. Got a real response from other musicians, some were humming the tunes – now that is a complement.

Besides that, it felt so right to sing what I feel so intimately and to share it with people. It was surreal and then have them identify with it.

Feels natural and I am happy doing it. I love it more than anything, everything about it. Can’t wait to do more.

This Italian singer compared my style and delivery to Freddie Mercury – a HUGE complement. One of them said “Give It Up” sounded like something George Michael would do. Another Huge complement. I’m high. Gracias.

Gay Pride in San Francisco, the city is as colorful as it’s sunset sky. Last night was Pink Saturday, Dykes on Bikes and lots of them and a massive parade for their support by gay, straight, and everyone…!

K is visiting me from NYC so I decided to be an honorary lesbian for the night and go to bars where the ladies are. After witnessing some amazing sights that I won’t go into.

On my way home this guy was bid goodbye by two of this girl-friends. They hugged him so tight and smooched him. He was standing right next to me so I said..”wow they love you”.

He turns around and in an attitude that doesn’t reveal the vulnerability of the moment.  With eyebrows trying to get closer (and higher), said “Yeaaah”.

So I said “It’s nice to be loved.” No comment. He stared at me for a second or two and then disappeared.

I was left wondering a little if he had a hard time even saying “Yeeah”. And why attitude trumps over vulnerability in public spaces and as a publicly-accepted-and-approved display to strangers.

In any case. It is nice to be loved.

I bought it last night.

No it’s not anything jazzy or funky. It’s our very own homegirl-gone-crazy’s song.

“Touch My Body” by Mariah Carey. She is back and with a bang!!! Go Mariah.

I also recommend – Touch My Body (Seamus Haji Club Mix)

I maybe one of the rare fortunate people who had two mothers in his life. One my biological mom, who I called by her first name “Sheela” till I was 11 years old, the other was “Aai” who was my neighbor next door. Our families had the bond that was created over 3 generations. She saw me as the third generation and she saw me. She had opened her heart, her home and family to me.

I did not know people could be otherwise when I was young. Looking back this was the best gift I received as a child. Unconditional love.

I used to sleep, eat, bathe, be at their place anytime I wanted to. Especially when I wanted to run away from my sister after a fight or when a scolding by my parents was due.

Aai knew me well, knew my tastes, saw my character and stood up for me. When my father used to go on a harangue while scolding me, she was the only person who could manage to tell my father “That’s Enough” and he obeyed. Everyone knew where she was coming from, Aai had the most integrity of anyone I have ever met. She held honor and integrity to be supreme. She had led her family through hardships by doing everything she could and people were in disbelief of her efforts. They still are, however she had that strength that you read about only in novels these days.

I was very close to her children – they were a little older than me and we used to play board games, play dice, cards, go on family vacations together, I was always included by every member. Her husband Dada used to tell me stories of “Sindabad the Sailor” and teach me grammar meticulously.

Aai used to peel fruits for me, give me an oil head massage along with the rest of her kids, used to always put a plate out for me when it was dinner time and afternoon teas were always to be had together and she used to get me my favorite biscuits to go with it. When I used to be sick with fever, I remember being fed interchangeably by my mom and Aai and my head lying on her lap as she changed the eau-de-cologne dipped cloth to cool my forehead.

She gave me the gift of being seen as a result my sense of self emerged.

I saw her last during late March ’08 in the hospital, her body had refused to work, she was shriveled up and she could barely breathe, she was in a lot of pain, I was completely distraught. Coming back to Bombay I went to the church she used to visit and prayed that she suffered no more, she did not deserve it at all.

Yesterday in the afternoon I was wondering to myself how long must Aai fight this, there is inevitable death and it should be a dignified one. Yesterday while leaving the apartment I found a dead pigeon outside my door, no idea how it had come in, but it probably had tried to fight it’s way out by the numerous feathers lying about. I took it as a sign of Aai saying goodbye. She loved me.

I won’t be able to recreate what I had, the openness, the security and safety that Aai and her family provided and I will always know what belonging means.

Thank you Aai.

Eulogy

————
Dearest Aai,
May heaven be honored by your presence now.
My life would not be the same without you. I thank you for providing me with a sense of self. Thank you for your guidance, your strength, your love, your integrity. Thank you for seeing me, for standing up for me, for including me and making me a part of your family. For being there, for understanding, for showing me what strength and integrity is. For the nourishment in your care, the openness, the security and the solace.
My deepest gratitude for all the beloved times we spent together, the diwali baths, early morning alarms, my preparation for SSC, for the khatkhatah, for the afternoon tea and biscuits, for your unconditional love.
May your soul be in Mother’s care and may it find the comfort that you were seeking in your last few years.
Amen.

The ethos of an organization is palpable in a few days if not immediately. It’s like being a visitor in someone else’s house. You pick up on a lot of things and then you decide if you want to stay more or not. Sometime they decide it for you.

Knowing full well it’s a capitalist society and that I need to earn a living, what am I prepared to take, besides the paycheck and coffee breaks?

Having worked as a day laborer I know there is minimum stress and the body gets an amazing workout, it gets in tune with itself…long life guaranteed. It’s so transactional and at the end of the day there is no work in your head, no wonder so many people wait tables and bartend for a living.

With my new job I signed up for doing web work, which I enjoy. However what I did not sign up for and is blatantly assumed by my employer is this: 1. Passive Aggressiveness
2. Disrespect

That’s it to sum it up but that in itself is a lot. Grown up people trying to muscle their way to achieve what? a web page? it’s not like they are saving lives, but probably want to feel of importance desperately.

People with a passion in life, a passion for life are quite different than people who try to mistake their work for their life.  I have to feel passionate about work cause as Idlemuse brilliantly pointed out that if I would just think of work as a paycheck bearer – which is fine – but eventually I will get depressed.

The ethos has led to a pathos.
People say, oh you’ll find it everywhere, I agree but that doesn’t mean I’ll ignore it

I can choose my friends and I do, I can’t choose the people I work with…not yet 🙂

but that doesn’t mean I have to be quiet about it. Right?

Don’t have any answers yet but just trusting my instincts and holding up my values. Learning more what matters to me and why. We’ll see how this unfolds…stay tuned….